Friday, March 23, 2012

Some Tips From the Flirting Doctor

So in the wake of Kathryn's leave of absence I was the stand in moral support for Jordan's love life. As her temporary consultant I came to realize that I have a gift.  I am naturally gifted with flirting. I have the ability to make any guy like any girl. I am like the female Hitch. Want my consulting service? That'll be $1000 per hour (I have to make money for Italy somehow). I know that most of you common folk cannot afford my very exclusive services so I have deigned to offer some of my very best advice for FREE. Free you hear, not even buy one get one free. It is all free! Be excited!

Picture for my new order of business cards? I think yes!

Tip #1: Be Awkward
Awkwardness is endearing. Seriously. Just be you. Social awkwardness is memorable. How could a guy forget a girl that completely catches him off guard with her weirdness? SO the next time you face a doorstep scene remember that it's ok to stumble over your words and say socially unacceptable things.

It's important to flirt, but awkwardness goes a long way.

Tip #2: The Elbow Skin Grab
One time I was at a game night and a very nice young man reached over grabbed my elbow and played with my elbow skin. While nothing came of this incident, I must admit that I was quite impressed with his flirting techniques. The elbow skin grab gets attention. It's different and it is ever so personal. I dare a man to reject a girl who knows how to work the elbow skin. 

Tip #3: Put the Man Down
Men always want you to think that they like to have their ego inflated, but they lie! Men really appreciate a woman who can fling insults with the best of the mudrakers. As you attack them with a barrage of degrading comments they will be impressed with your ability to control the situation. So before your next date prepare your best jibes. Remember, it's ok to practice on your roommates. 

Tip #3: Formulate Overly Romantic One-Liners
The one-liner is ever so important. It compacts all of your feelings into one powerful punch. Some say that spontaneous romanticism is best, but I argue that a line well crafted is far more agreeable. Practice in the mirror to ensure that your delivery is oozing with romantic goo. Here's a few of my favorites to memorize and utilize:

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in. 

You are the dew drop of my affection.

Of all the stars to wish upon I'd fix my fondest dreams to you (said while star gazing).

The silence between our hearts has continued for far too long. I can no longer bear the beating of my unconquerable feelings for you (proceed to bare all feelings).

Tip #4: Talk About Bananas
I cannot emphasize this tip enough. Bananas are the universal fruit. They are so relatable. I mean "oh the life of a banana!" Mention of bananas makes everyone feel comfortable and safe. Bananas are yellow, a color know to create positive thoughts. So the next time you want to break the silence try saying "I like bananas." You'll get the guy, guaranteed.

Well this concludes my free dating advice. For more tips see pricing previously indicated. Best of luck with all of your LOVE situations. Here's a quick snapshot of a counseling session with me.


  1. Oh my gosh you are sooooooo awesome. Totally trying out these tips on my crush! Thanks for the advice! :) :) :) :D

  2. Will say this, I will have to agree with you're advice!!! :)